Pointless Walks - number 1

Pointless Walks #1 (originally written for The Hussy)

1. Theatre Royal, Brighton --> Brighton Station.

Time: 20 minutes

Difficulty: easy

Start at the curvy wooden seating opposite the Theatre Royal in
New Street. It is a pleasant location, and you could happily while away an afternoon people watching. Instead, you will now take a pointless walk.

Stand up and head north along New Road. On your right you will see a life-size statue of Music Hall legend Max Miller. The statue stands awkwardly, with an enlarged left shoulder, as if it was suffering from a bad back. With its right hand it points accusingly at a chartered accountants’ office over the road. However, the statue cannot bring itself to look at the accused accountants, but gazes down at a bicycle chained to the railings. What does this tell us about Millar or music hall? Thankfully, nothing at all. We are not some urban psychogeographer or a French Situationist undertaking a derive in order to gain insight into our environment. We are taking a pointless walk.

Cross over the road and walk up Jubilee Street. It will not escape your notice that a large square of synthetic grass has recently appeared in forecourt in front of the library. On this synthetic grass there are a dozen or so deckchairs are placed, and members of the public have used these deckchairs to sit and rest. Walk past this, it is none of your business. At the end of Jubilee Road we can see two further roads north. To our left is
Kensington Street, home to Brighton’s finest collection of graffiti and street art. We, however, take Robert Street to the right, and discover that there is nothing interesting down there.

At the end of
Robert Street turn left up Gloucester Road and, a short time later, turn left down Queen’s Gardens. After walking a reasonable distance, suddenly realise that you are going completely the wrong way. You then have to decide whether to turn around, or continue with your current course in the hope that things will get better. Elect to keep on your current course, but be aware of the dangers. A pointless walk should not be so long that it could be classed as exercise, so we will have to get back on track soon. Down the street, you may see a sign in a window that reads ‘The Witch Is In!”. Don’t pay this any mind.

At the end of Queen’s Gardens, turn right and trudge up
North Road. You will pass all sorts of interesting shops, including a drum shop, a place that sells brightly coloured fake hair, and a shop that sells Samurai swords and ninja whatnots. Keep your head down and look at your feet, and you will not to notice any of this. Look up in time to see the frightening red horror of the LA Fitness gym, however, as this is your cue to turn right down Frederick Gardens.

is a long alleyway with a row of tiny little houses on your left, homes that appear to be inhabited by the many garden gnomes you will notice. As you walk you will entertain a pleasant fantasy about how one day, maybe when you are old, you may live in one of these cottages, with the gnomes. You may also notice that one or two houses are up for sale. However, when you exit this lane you will completely forget all about these thoughts, and you will never live in these cottages with the gnomes. Turn left at the end, by the pub, and trek up the hill towards the Queen’s Road. You will have an option of walking up steps with a helpful rail, or walking up a ramp. Use the ramp. Everybody always uses the ramp.

Turn right and you will see the station in front of you. You will notice not one but two clocks on the front of the station, displayed high and prominent. If you were planning to catch a train, these would inspire you to break into a jog. You don’t have to do this, of course, because you have no intention of catching a train. You have no business at the station at all. Indeed, it is completely out of your way. Congratulations, you have now completed this pointless walk.